Information collection made by and for the trans community.
Trans Allyship
Parental Allyship
There are two types of allyship, passive and active. To be a true ally to your child you’ll want to practice active allyship. Being an active ally as opposed to a passive ally means not just being non-transphobic, you are anti-transphobic. A passive ally will comfort their child when they are upset about an anti-trans legislature. An active ally will be at protests, supporting trans defense funds, contacting local governments. While everybody does appreciate a passive ally, active allyship will show the trans people around you that you stand actively with and for them. In a society where trans lives are actively threatened it isn't always safe for us to be out at protests, that’s why we need you.
On a smaller scale there are ways to support your trans child. One thing that I value as a trans person is knowing that people see me. Do your best to practice using your child’s correct name and pronouns, a slip up on your part can really mess with the person being misgendered or dead named. When you use the correct language, we understand that you see us the way we see ourselves. An extension of this is to correct other people. If somebody knows your child’s name/pronouns and uses the wrong one, speak up. It doesn’t have to be a big conversation or event. If someone slips a ‘he’ in when discussing your MtF child, just say "she" in response, or "she uses she/her pronouns".
On pronouns, I understand that changing pronouns is tricky, your child does too. Because of this, what your child doesn’t need to hear is how hard it is to change your pronoun usage, or how complicated and weird you find they/them pronouns. If you have concerns about the singular they pronoun, we have a resource page on how to use them. Same concept goes for name, don’t say “You’ll always be *dead name* to me,” I appreciate the sentiment, but when you say that it feels like you’re saying “I’ll never stop seeing you as your old self.” In the same vein, we are the same person, we are the same people, you’re not losing your daughter/son, nobody is dying, you should not tell your child you’re mourning your child to their face. Names and pronouns are a tricky thing for some trans people, we may spend time trying to figure things out, just be patient, don’t complain about how your child is switching names and pronouns.
I understand that the transitioning process is scary and confusing. The best way you can learn about it while remaining an ally to your child is to do some of your own research first. Not only on transitioning, but trans topics in general. Your child has known about this part of themselves for some time now, they know what they want, what they don’t need is to answer questions from you on topics that are elementary to them. If you know the fundamentals of trans issues and transition, when you have a conversation and show your knowledge, they will appreciate it. There are resource pages on transition on this site, broadly through the parent tab, and focused on the FTM/MTF tabs. To hear more there are tons of videos of trans people sharing their experiences that are easily accessible on youtube, you could even ask your child what trans creators they watch or watched and check them out.
Don’t Say:
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They/them pronouns don’t make sense
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You’ll always be *old name* to me
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I’m losing my *son/daughter*
Say:
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I love you
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I support you
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What do you need from me?
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Thank you for telling me
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What name and pronouns should I use?
Don’t:
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Rely solely on your child to educate you on trans topics
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Tell people about your child’s trans status without your child’s consent
Do:
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Correct people on names and pronouns
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Some of your own research
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Speak up when your child needs you to
Learning More
As mentioned, learning about trans topics is a crucial part of practising active allyship. When reading books, you need to use caution, as some bad-faith actors will use "trans-affirmative" titles when in reality the content perpetuates transphobic myths and stereotypes. I have spent many years reading books about trans people from sociological, medical, and psychological perspectives. Of all the books I've read, I've found these three to be the most informative, interesting, and inspiring!
1. Transgender Children and Youth: Cultivating Pride and Joy with Families in Transition
A comprehensive guide to the medical, emotional, and social issues of trans kids. These days, it is practically impossible not to hear about some aspect of transgender life. Whether it is the bathroom issue in North Carolina, trans people in the military, or on television, trans life has become front and center after years of marginalization. And kids are coming out as trans at younger and younger ages, which is a good thing for them. But what written resources are available to parents, teachers, and mental health professionals who need to support these children? Elijah C. Nealy, a therapist and former deputy executive director of New York City’s LGBT Community Center, and himself a trans man, has written the first-ever comprehensive guide to understanding, supporting, and welcoming trans kids. Covering everything from family life to school and mental health issues, as well as the physical, social, and emotional aspects of transition, this book is full of best practices to support trans kids.
2. Free To Be: Understanding Kids & Gender Identity
An authoritative guide to understanding and navigating gender identity from an acclaimed expert on the mental health of transgender and gender diverse youth.
Kids today are more gender fluent and expansive than ever before. Over 700,000 teenagers in America openly identify as transgender, a number that is rising each year. As it becomes increasingly common for us to encounter and know transgender kids, as well as kids with more expansive notions of gender than past generations, it is vital that we have the tools we need in order to truly see and support them.
Free to Be is an authoritative deep dive by internationally renowned child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Jack Turban into the science, medicine, and politics of gender identity. You will be immersed in the lives of three trans and gender diverse youth—Meredith, Kyle, and Sam—as they navigate their gender identities, make decisions around gender-affirming medical and psychological care, and confront an overwhelming political and social terrain.
By combining the latest scientific research, stories of transgender children, and the intricacies of today’s political gender wars, Free to Be gives you the tools to help the kids in your life navigate the complexity of gender identity, while also coming to better understand what the nuances of gender mean to yourself and society at large.
3. American Teenager: How Trans Kids Are Surviving Hate and Finding Joy in a Turbulent Era
From an award-winning journalist comes a vivid and moving portrait of eight trans and nonbinary teenagers across the country, following their daily triumphs, struggles, and all that encompasses growing up trans in America today
Media coverage tends to sensationalize the fight over how trans kids should be allowed to live, but what is incredibly rare are the voices of the people at the heart of this transgender and gender nonconforming kids themselves. For their groundbreaking new book, journalist Nico Lang spent a year traveling the country to document the lives of transgender, nonbinary, and genderfluid teens and their families. Drawing on hundreds of hours of on-the-ground interviews with them and the people in their communities, American Teenager paints a vivid portrait of what it’s actually like to grow up trans today.
From the tip of Florida’s conservative panhandle to vibrant queer communities in California, and from Texas churches to mosques in Illinois, American Teenager gives readers a window into the lives of Wyatt, Rhydian, Mykah, Clint, Ruby, Augie, Jack, and Kylie, eight teens who, despite what some lawmakers might want us to believe, are truly just kids looking for a brighter future.
Financial Allyship
On a small scale, acts of allyship show the trans people in your life that you care, but there are also ways to show your support for the LGBTQ+ community writ large. There are many groups, charities, and non-profits dedicated to queer and trans advocacy. It can be daunting trying to figure out the best way to financially support the trans rights movement. Here are some different places that you can donate to aid LGBTQ+ people locally and worldwide. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, there are so many ways to support LGBTQ+ rights, you can do your own searches to find more donation opportunities.
1. The American Civil Liberties Union
In their own words: "The ACLU works in courts, legislatures, and communities to defend and preserve the individual rights and liberties that the Constitution and the laws of the United States guarantee everyone in this country." They help challenge discriminatory legislature in the United States. For example: don't say gay bills, sports bans, and bathroom bans. Beyond trans rights, they also stand up for reproductive rights, racial equality, immigrant's rights, and many other social justice causes. For more information and to donate you can visit the ACLU's website linked below.
2. Human Rights Campaign
The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) is the largest LGBTQ+ lobbying group in the United States. They focus on protecting and expanding the rights of LGBTQ+ people, including advocating for sam-sex marriage, anti-discrimination and hate crime legislation, and HIV/AIDS advocacy work. Learn more about HRC at their website linked below.
3. GLSEN
GLSEN focuses on making schools safer, more inclusive, and affirming for LGBTQ+ students. They do work for anti-bullying and harassment and strive to make schools safe and supportive for students regardless of their gender identity and sexual orientation. Check out GLSEN below.
4. GLAAD
GLAAD is the world's largest LGBTQ media advocacy organization. On their about us page they say, "GLADD works to ensure fair, accurate, and inclusive representation and creates national and local programs that advance LGBTQ acceptance." GLAAD works to provide fair, inclusive, and accurate representation for LGBTQ+ people in an effort to increase acceptance. Learn more about GLAAD and their work below.
5. Trans Lifeline
The Trans Lifeline is a hotline and microgrants non-profit that provides emotional and legal support to trans people in crisis. The Trans Lifeline's hotline operates in the US and Canada, and is a support phone service run by trans people, for trans people. Trans people can feel uncomfortable with the crisis support offered on a large scale, like the suicide hotline, Trans Lifeline makes it easier for trans people in crisis to get the support they need and deserve. The Trans Lifeline website is linked below.
6. The Trevor Project
The Trevor Project is a non-profit suicide prevention hotline for LGTBQ+ youth. They offer 24/7 support, as well as doing research and advocacy for LGBTQ+ youth. Queer youth, and trans youth in particular are tragically over represented in statistics of self harm, substance abuse, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. Speaking from personal experience, The Trevor Project saved my life. Check out The Trevor Project below.
7. Local Donation/GoFundMe
There are many small non-profits that operate to serve the LGBTQ+ community. There are likely a few in your area, quick searches can help you identify these. These can be extremely beneficial for smaller scale changes. In addition to this, many trans people use crowd funding to help support their transitions. GoFundMe is full of trans people that may otherwise be unable to access life saving healthcare.