Trans Allyship

There are two types of allyship, passive and active. To be a true ally to your child you’ll want to practice active allyship. Being an active ally as opposed to a passive ally means not just being non-transphobic, you are anti-transphobic. A passive ally will comfort their child when they are upset about an anti-trans legislature. An active ally will be at protests, supporting trans defense funds, contacting local governments. While everybody does appreciate a passive ally, active allyship will show the trans people around you that you stand actively with and for them. In a society where trans lives are actively threatened it isn't always safe for us to be out at protests, that’s why we need you. 

 

On a smaller scale there are ways to support your trans child. One thing that I value as a trans person is knowing that people see me. Do your best to practice using your child’s correct name and pronouns, a slip up on your part can really mess with the person being misgendered or dead named. When you use the correct language, we understand that you see us the way we see ourselves. An extension of this is to correct other people. If somebody knows your child’s name/pronouns and uses the wrong one, speak up. It doesn’t have to be a big conversation or event. If someone slips a ‘he’ in when discussing your MtF child, just say "she" in response, or "she uses she/her pronouns". 

 

On pronouns, I understand that changing pronouns is tricky, your child does too. Because of this, what your child doesn’t need to hear is how hard it is to change your pronoun usage, or how complicated and weird you find they/them pronouns. If you have concerns about the singular they pronoun, we have a resource page on how to use them. Same concept goes for name, don’t say “You’ll always be *dead name* to me,” I appreciate the sentiment, but when you say that it feels like you’re saying “I’ll never stop seeing you as your old self.” In the same vein, we are the same person, we are the same people, you’re not losing your daughter/son, nobody is dying, you should not tell your child you’re mourning your child to their face. Names and pronouns are a tricky thing for some trans people, we may spend time trying to figure things out, just be patient, don’t complain about how your child is switching names and pronouns. 

 

I understand that the transitioning process is scary and confusing. The best way you can learn about it while remaining an ally to your child is to do some of your own research first. Not only on transitioning, but trans topics in general. Your child has known about this part of themselves for some time now, they know what they want, what they don’t need is to answer questions from you on topics that are elementary to them. If you know the fundamentals of trans issues and transition, when you have a conversation and show your knowledge, they will appreciate it. There are resource pages on transition on this site, broadly through the parent tab, and focused on the FTM/MTF tabs. To hear more there are tons of videos of trans people sharing their experiences that are easily accessible on youtube, you could even ask your child what trans creators they watch or watched and check them out. 

 

Don’t Say:

• They/them pronouns don’t make sense

• You’ll always be *old name* to me

• I’m losing my *son/daughter*

 

Say:

• I love you

• I support you

• What do you need from me?

• Thank you for telling me

• What name and pronouns should I use?

 

Don’t:

• Rely solely on your child to educate you on trans topics

• Tell people about your child’s trans status without your child’s consent

 

Do:

• Correct people on names and pronouns

• Some of your own research 

• Speak up when your child needs you to